The Dog Story

so, i'm knocking doors out by the H-town Temple, quite possibly the most outstandingly beautiful building in the whole entire cosmos . . .  

i go up to the MacLean's house. this house is a beautiful home that i'm sure cost at least half a million(dollars), right, so i'm pretty excited and optimistic that i'll be successful. anyhoo, i give four hard raps on the door, and, as is my custom, walk 4 or 5 steps toward the street, so as not to infringe on my customers well-deserved personal space. so, i'm sittin there lookin at the birds and the bees, when i here scurryin in the house, i turn around expecting to see sister MacLean opening the door, but instead, when I turn around, no more than 2 ft from me is the biggest, unfriendliest 8ft tall monster dog i've ever seen! Y’know, one of those human sized poodle behemoths . . . 

Either I’d knocked the door open w/my 3.5 inch pythons, or this THING had opened it, either way, I immediately go into emergency mode, kneel down and start talking to him in my friendliest high pitched baby voice, y'know "hey precious, c'mere cutie" well, as you know, that’ll scare anyone, and it certainly  did this wolf dog. So it backpedals into the house while barking  at me like it’s goin outta style, right, so, after I start  breathing again, I knock on the door again. This really spooks the  dog, and it recommits to barking me out of the house while  backpedaling up the stairs.  So, I hear this muffled voice from upstairs “wah wah wah door!” like the mom on muppet babies, and I figure she’s told her hubby to open the door and give me lots of money, right? Then dad yells “shut up, dog” once or 4 times, and I figure he’s on his way . . . nothing . . . nothing happening, except the dog still making sure I knew I didn’t belong. 

So I ring the doorbell this time. Then I hear the lady clearly, “go to the back door!” so I turn, and start around the house. When I get to the corner, I see that they’ve got a 50 car garage, y’know, garage doors as far as the eye can see, so anyhoo, there’s a people door(I’ve decided that if we can have trap doors, doggy doors, and garage doors, we oughta call ours people doors) b4 the concourse of garage doors, and I go in. there b4 me are like 2 corvettes, a hummer 2, a BMW, and something else, but no people door into the house. So, I figure they must have a side door past the garage. 

So, I go out and to the back, and all there is is a 4 ft  rod-iron fence going into their beautiful backyard with the pool n  waterfall n stuff. I figure it’s not cool to go into someone’s  backyard, so I head back to the people door into the garage and  figure I’ll find the mysterious ‘back door’ and end my quest.  Well, as I turn to go back, I see Lucifer(the wolf-dog on steroids) closing in on me, fangs glistening in the sunset. -- oooh, that’s all the time we have folks, I gotta get back to work. I'll send  you the rest later.  Tee hee.  So, I hope all is well for all y’all, and can’t wait till the fall!  Just kidding, so, back to our story  As I was watching my life flash before my eyes, Lucifer was within striking distance(I could see his cartoon thought bubble screaming “I’m going to eat you whole!”), so I pressed pause at the part where my brothers threw me into the clothes dryer; and just as Lucifer lunged for me, I hopped over the fence like james bond.  

So, here’s the picture. I’m inside some strangers back yard looking over the fence at the Prince of Darkness in black, curly haired, poodle form, and I laugh, b/c he’s supposed to be in the fence, and I’m supposed to be outside, right? It was about the moment when Lucifer attempted to jump the fence that I stopped laughing, and started crying. All the sudden, I feel like the principal on Ferris Beuller’s Day Off.  I realize that I’ma have to find the back door in the backyard, cuz I’m not goin back out there without some kind of nuclear weapon. So, with a fence between me and the dog that wants to rip my leg from off of me, I look for the back door. I see the portal to safety right in the middle of the backyard. As we established earlier, these folks are rich, so they’ve got a big backyard. After 10 minutes of hiking, I finally get to the back door, and knock. Just my luck, who answers the back door? Beelzebub. Apparently, he’d realized my intention, and was going to stop me at all costs. 

Thankfully, an angel named Brother MacLean silenced the tormenter, and opened the door for me, with the most puzzled look on his face (y’know, the kind you have when someone opens your front door, lets your dog out, hops your fence into the backyard, and then knocks at your back living room door).  

I said “your wife told me to go to the back door.” 

He said “well, it doesn’t get more back than this, come on in.”